How to be a Perfect Political Partisan

1) Avoid political creative thought. Allow the party leaders to think for you.

2) In those instances where the party platform is in direct contradiction to your personal views on a specific issue or two (say, a trivial matter like pro-life or pro-choice, or capital punishment), vote for your party’s candidate anyway. This practice is known as “the lesser of two evils.”

3) Pretend to listen. Prepare your predigested response while your opponent is making his talking point. Some debaters maintain a poker-face during the other guy’s talking points; others are frozen in a condescending smile; still others display mock disbelief at their opponent’s point of view. All of them are not listening.

4) When you encounter ‘name calling’ and other ad hominem attacks make a clear distinction between a slur and truth. For example, if your party’s president is compared to Adolf Hitler or Ghengis Khan, judge that as a malicious and unconscionable slur; on the other hand, if that same comment is directed at the other party’s president, consider that as absolutely true.

5) Develop a defense mechanism whereby it is impossible to agree with your opponent even in the face of logic.

6) An ancillary tactic to item 5 is to shut the opponent down with, “That’s your opinion,” even when a fact is self-evident.

7) Make no distinction between reason and demagoguery.

8) Accuse your opponent of having no brains.

9) Accuse your opponent of having no heart.

10) Never change your mind on the spot as a result of something the other guy said.

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